Farewell to The Past Love

It's hard for me to end up the distant relationship, but I did last night. Before that, I ever tried several times to send my concerns and greetings to my parnter, and I didn't get his any reply. His latest message of July 31 stating his sorry ever let me believe he was back, howerver it's a fantasy indeed. I called him last night just to hear his voice. He answered he was still in dinning then suddenly hang up my call. I was shocked by that and felt disappointed. I thought even a friend shouldn't be treated in that impolite way. This event only took 21 seconds and gave me a clear picture about the one.

It's still unbelievable why I met such an unreasonable situation. What hurts most? The man had keeping silent from the unknown difficulties happened from two months ago. Unexceptionally my farewell message last night wasn't replied yet. What kind of the man is? We used to be so close but now go far away.

He ever said if we couldn't be together in this life, we would be the best friends forever. But seeing the current, there were still no chance to say that since his unchangeable silence. No way to proceed the communication. Even coming to the last moment, I still hold a mystery to cut down my blind waiting for him.

The whole story seemed like a dream contained of sweetness, waiting, expectation, sadness, desperation,... Perhaps he hardly spoke out his difficulties, but it doesn't matter for the current situation. Some friends ever advised me to give up the relationship, but I was so persistent to wait for his explaination then.

I remembered I was brave to ask for him "let's give a chance to know each other" and he said yes in March. At the end of the story, I am still brave to say farewell to my love due to his hidden attitude. From now on what I have to do is trying my best to go back to my origional track. Unavoidably our jobs will surely enforce us to meet again next March, and hope we may sit together without any embarrassment then.

Cheers to the past sweet memory we ever shared and toast to my consistence in meeting and losing love! God will bless the broken road and lead me...

Get My Faith Back

I ever doubted the existence of a relationship between my partner and me due to his unclear attitude. The more chaotic condition was, the more anxious I felt. How come? I found that mainly came from my lack of confidence and faith.

To examine my personal doing way, I used to be very smart untill I fell into the unclear situation. I felt so powerless to soften or reopen the deadlock.

I coudn't remember which day I suddently got back my faith in my partner. Maybe the comment or words from the others had driven me to a trust mode. Maybe the inner side of me didn't want to give up the relationship in such a way. Maybe the fortuneteller's prediction effected me in some aspect. In the deepest part of my heart, I still believe in him. Eventually I reaffirmed my feelings and attitude toward our relationship.

Well, how to make me in an entirely safe mode without another one's comfortable saying or action? Recently I realized I did have the power to comfort and please myself. Not expect the giving from another one but only count on myself. Before expecting another one, I should learn to fulfill my happiness. Through my faith and practice, I may lead us to a better connection.

Theatrical July

The last day of July, I would like to write some stuff for a closing. The theatrical July, from my sadness, loneliness, helplessness, tears to my joyfulness, strength, courage and laughters, seemed a movie playing in front of me.

I counted the past one month what my growth and pain were clearly existed , and felt so abundant for getting a lot of new experiences, such as the blogging world, the alone tours,and making photos into videos. The most meaningful is about those spiritual foods, from my friends and others' posts in their blog.

A beautiful ending of the day is a message from my distant friend. I have to tell you my happiness is far beyond the words. My fantasy thinking somwhat became the reality. From the moment, I will take this as a new start for my advanced lessons. Wish you be my superviors and keep watching me in the future...

Prayer..May My Dream Come True

For you, my dear partner...

I didn't expect to hear of your voice under that occasion. You sounded better than my latest call to you. It's so queer I dreamed of you last night. Maybe it's the extension of my daylong missing.

In my dream...

You were as gentle as before.

Holding my small hands tightly with a tender smile.

Still less words while staring at me.

I almost felt your heartbeat at that moment.

No need words I could understand you must have been experienced a lot of difficulities.

I prayer....

A new page is open from now on.
We will pass through all the barricades in front of us.

Our relationship will become stronger after this unconnected period.

We may make up the time we lost.

Training myself to become more understanding and lovely.

Learning to be more capable of bringing happiness and supports for each other.

Sharing our life easily, exchanging our thoughts naturally, and keeping our passion continuously.

You used to say we have a lot of time for the future. It sounds like another kind of commitment, and make me believe we may have many opportunities to bulid an abiding relationship.

Here I am, still the one you know....

Trust Crisis

This Sunday is a quiet day. No one came to visit or call me. It seemed a good timing to do introspection on myself. My issue is about 'trust'.

Two months ago, my partner sent a message and asked me to leave him alone for a certain period. It seemed not a big deal since we all need a private time to deliberate upon what to do sometimes. Since we hardly met together and only communicated by internet, the connection was suddently cut from then. I felt upset for a long period and almost lost my patience. I would call this as a trust crisis.

For sure it's not easy to restart the conversation if the one always kept silent. No way to understand what happened or he encountered some difficulty. What else could I do? I often asked myself the question, then I used to make assumption for his unusual behavior. At that time, I just wanted to make those things seem reasonable.

Lately I replayed the whole story and had a different view on that. If we didn't give the other time to express the inner thoughts, and just guess or presume a cretain worse condition, it's not fair to the other. Most seriously, it's really harmful to the relationship. Both of the two individuals should have an open mind and deserve a chance to listen the other's true voice.

So far I have no idea if we would have the probability to make up what we had lost. I'm still making efforts on tunneling the silent hill. But I really felt thankful for finding something important about respectation and mutual understanding which I recently learnt from a lot of blogging friends.

Sad Ending of Their Love? or Not Yet?

Something sad happened to my close friend lately. Someone left her suddently without any reason and notification.
All the tragic story began in a SMS from her boyfriend asked her to leave him alone for a certain period. Regretfully, that guy still postponed the conversatin with her by worse excuses again and again. He ever toped the fabricated charge on her as a debt collector just due to ten or above calls to ask for a reason about his cool attitude.

I think if you really care about someone, you won't look upon those phone calls as offending your privacy. His last sms reply was like a knife and broke everything they ever had, and her last blind waiting was still without his any words. How about your thinking? Is that what we called respect to each other?

I just read an article from a website. "Woman mostly hates the man not to speak." The man is not braver than the woman on facing the problems. The man always adopts the silence while the woman adopts the tears as their strategy. Maybe time can almost heal everything, but the regret would be left in the rest life.

If we ever promised someone we should keep our words in our mind. Once you broke the matual trust with someone, you couldn't ask for the other to obey the game rule. Why lovers turn into strangers? 'Merry gathering and happy parting'. Mature people should learn how to communicate properly in an understanding way. To hold the best timing to express our real thoughts to those whom we ever loved or cared is very important. If the fate among us came to the end, we should say farewell peacefully, thank each other for ever giving you a sweet world, and bless them for another life journey. Either silence or tears can't solve any problem.

In the other way, if we always try to hide the truth, the fuzzy matter will become clearer by itself. I do believe that God will teach those immature people to learn more lessons through certain cases in proper timing. Someday we all will be more capable to bring happiness to those whom we loved.

Back to the sad story, so far, my friend is still waiting and holding a chance to hear that man's saying. Hope the 'wise man' would show up and be frankly talking to her. You might laugh at the silly woman, but I sincerely bless her waiting will be worthy.

The journey's end will be another journey's start. Let's learn together to be a more understanding and tolerant person. It's not easy but worthy to make efforts!

Taipei, 2009/7/1

遠距愛情4~甦醒

該是個畫下句點的時候? 為這段短暫也曾經令人心動的感情祝賀及悼念? 故事, 是否停留在曖昧的這一頁?

他曾經對妳付出的愛和真誠, 在那動人的時刻, 相信都是存在的, 也還清楚的記著他的眼神, 彷彿他整個人跟心都要交給妳似的, 在離別的時刻握痛妳的那雙大手也好像是剛剛發生過的事, 所有甜蜜回憶的畫面, 一次又一次的在眼前播放.

只是, 愛情, 在瞬間褪色, 在沒有任何徵候的預告下, 讓妳措手不及, 心中充滿了疑問,急於想知道那個答案.

夢, 似乎醒了, 妳慢慢知道自己不能再被動的等待, 妳清楚的想表達自己的需要, 勇敢的去問個答案, 想知道他想要的愛情樣子和互動方式. 怎奈啊…他那想以時間拖延的藉口, 卻以強人姿態掩飾他自己的不安?
如果, 妳用了十來通的電話, 發現他不接之後, 收到一則令你錯愕又難堪的簡訊, 該怎麼去想這個難題? 一向溫柔體貼的他, 突然用責備妳的語氣和一直沒說出口的理由, 令妳錯愕, 無數個夜裏輾轉難眠、妳還是百思不解?

等待, 等他的說法…
大概是他已無暇顧及一個等待的心, 到了這個令人不解幾乎要掀開謎底的時刻, 說了要妳等他, 也沒出現時, 似乎是他理所當然的累而沒通知妳. 是怎樣的難處? 讓他最終還是不夠勇敢的去面對妳的困惑.
曾經那樣不對等付出的傻勁, 妳總是覺得幸福而甘願承受. 即使至今, 妳依然割捨不下那份對他的疼愛. 或許, 他真的面對莫大的困頓, 就算是對曾經交心的伴侶都無法開口?

倆人相處的過程難免會有考驗, 也都該用心學習互相體諒及包容. 這一段路有緣有幸相伴, 是個福份. 來日, 若緣份真的走到了盡頭, 也要好好的道別. 不能一起飛雖然是個遺憾, 但放手讓彼此都能海濶天空, 互相感謝曾經真誠的付出, 學習如何相愛, 又何嘗不是另一種幸福呢…

遠距愛情3~等待

有好一陣子, 那人沒了音訊, 就發了一通簡訊, 說是閉關, 讓人別理他.
前些日子, 因為那通簡訊, 她把自己攪和得心神不寧, 夜裡翻來覆去的, 無法入眠. 周末, 這個下班的傍晚, 她走在路上, 耳裏聽著他給的歌, 沒來由的, 突然有了莫名的能量, 彷彿可以承担這 “等待” 的累.

那個男人說是孩子氣, 骨子裏卻是個大男人主義, 她也不是不懂他, 只是對他突來的冰點情緒感到困惑, 有幾度, 她以為是自己做了什麼讓他不開心的事, 才會令他這些日子不願跟她說話.

情人間, 總能輕易地說 “愛” , 一個既甜蜜又沉重的單字. 這段沉澱期, 倒是引發了很多心靈的思考, 無意間看到網路上的一段話說得很令人省思：
“接受的過程是充分瞭解的一個過程，接受不僅包括接受他的長處，尤其包括接受他的缺陷、情緒，方方面面的缺陷。感情上的東西是希望平等對話的，你在感情中才會有意思，那種默契關係才會非常持久，你到老了可能都不會厭倦。你跟一個人待了十年二十年，一個眼神就可以交流，這種樂趣是很難替代的。”

只是過程的學習啊… 如人飲水、冷暖自知!

Taipei, 2009/6/19

遠距愛情2~預感

最近, 我愛上了王文華文章裏的一段話:
風吹乾了我就走
活到某個年紀，吃過足夠苦頭，我們的直覺就是那一陣風。當那陣風告訴你該走，你要順著風走。

學習放開, 並不是件容易的事…..

她想起他曾經要她三思, 說是跟他走這段路並不容易, 也說心疼她, 因為他不能給她對等的, 最近, 她常想起這些瑣碎片斷的對話, 反覆思量…
怎知, 對於情愛的執著其實是她的個性使然, 一如對周遭的人事物, 常常深陷其中而難以跳脫…..

那男人對這愛情觀似乎是很 “柏拉圖” 式的, 不多不少的, 這樣的遠距關係, 讓他來去之間收放自如, 而這點, 是她這傻女人永遠也學不來的, 有時, 她也弄不清他的思緒…
他常稱她是 “知己”, 以為這男人對她已到了無話不談的階段. 不過, 最近她才體會, 不論再怎麼貼近的關係, 有些禁地是她不能解也無法碰觸的….
他提過幾次她朋友部落格裏的一段話, 也心有所感的說很多人忘了這點:
“respecting their privacy...giving more private time , and space would create a pleasant relationship for all”

是巧合吧! 現在想來, 似乎是預告一段即將上演的 “默劇”…..
在他宣告將 “消聲”希望獨處一段期間的這些日子, 她練習回到夜裡一個人的寂靜, 不用等候的日子, 看來自由卻難掩失落. 她知道在那些倆人共同的回憶和甜蜜對話中, 不自覺地被慣壞了….

人生的功課要學習的, 何止是愛情這門課? 可惜我們在當下, 總是執著, 總是迷惘, 參不透的造化… 怨不盡的緣淺情長….
“順著風走”, 是怎樣境界的智慧啊? 留一些時間和空間好好的沉澱吧.!
細水長流的關係, 是要用心經營的. 是需要瞭解彼此所扮演的角色和對方的期待, 太多或太快…會有壓力, 過於保留或猶豫…又少了些激情, 拿捏取捨之間, 是藝術, 是一輩子的練習題…

2009/6/7

遠距愛情1~最初的悸動

他們認識彼此已有好一段時間了, 但愛情的開始, 是從這年白色情人節深夜一句試探性的 "let's give us a chance to know each other?" 開始萌芽....

雖然祇能藉著電腦傳情, 他們仍能感受對彼此的真誠和需要, 一首首情歌和偶而一句窩心話, 往往能讓她悸動不已...
常常夜裡聊到倆人撐到天亮.....就算累了, 也覺得很甜, 他可能不知道在談天的過程中, 曾經有過幾次, 她偷偷的打了瞌睡, 只因為她捨不得離開那線上遠端的他.

她對他說過, 自己是個很容易掏心的人..
在他面前, 她沒有保留的.......收起最世故的一面, 對他, 用最純淨的感情, 全心的投入...
或許是她太沒有心防, 感情放得太深太快, 快到沒察覺他的脚步沒跟上.....
這樣遠距的感情, 談來表面風平浪靜, 夜裏卻讓人的情緒翻攪, 有時清醒得難以入眠.....
他時而前進、時而卻步的情感對話, 讓她覺得手足無措

這些日子, 他的生活中煩事多了, 這樣的距離...真的是距離, 她看不到他的心思有那麼多的憂慮和煩躁,
她懂他想保有自己的空間.....他常說..這麼多年的習慣一時要改, 改不過來.....要她, 太晚, 別等他上線
她覺得心疼, 卻祇能在遠端守候他偶而出現的短暫問候, 揣度他的心情, 過得好嗎?
而對他, 似乎這一切的關心都是多餘, 那份無力感, 好幾次讓她覺得被關在門外......
只是莫名的覺得他的態度冷到讓她感受不到一點溫度, 幾乎要懷疑自己真的是在跟他談戀愛?

他常說喜歡她的懂事, 她真的懂...所以遇到不順心的事, 也總回他說 "沒關係".....殊不知這樣的感情, 愈愛愈寂寞.
她常常自我催眠地說, 自己可以承受這樣的交往模式......卻不自覺得愈來愈害怕深夜守著電腦螢幕的那份等待和落空的感覺, 偶而在夜深時, 當她寂寞得想聽聽他的聲音時, 卻要擔憂是不是會打擾到他....

2009/5/28